Sunday, December 8, 2013

my raw unfiltered thoughts sometime before a night prayer 3:53am

in the end will it even matter im talking about the last day
the day about which there is no doubt
i dont doubt it for even a second
so why do my actions prove otherwise
its all so depressing
i dont believe in winter time depression
like adam said
or whatever the heck its called
this has been the best winter of my life so far
it aint even winter yet

donald released an awesome album
he said it would be a world his fans could live in and never leave
and it is
i mean i entered that world since i downloaded his album three days ago
ive been here ever since
its as if someone took all my emotions and put them into 19 songs
its really amazing
is that stupid?
i mean its just music and most of it is haraam by even the least of standards
i dont even like music
i actually hate music

i like themes thats what i like
i like what it stands for more than the actual sounds emanating from the speakers
and the screen play that accompanies the album is magnificent
i say that as a screenwriter
i chose to live in the world of because the internet
because reality sucked
i mean how do the syrians do it?
how do the Palestinians do it?
how do the inhabitants of the indian slums do it
the people of darfur southern sudan
the Philippines
what the heck?
they persevere
i want that i should have that
and im an american i have it all
so what the heck

scientist say people are truest to themselves around this time of day
i guess they are right
sometimes well all the time i worry
that my five prayers isnt enough, nor is my charity i always feel selfish
and i hate taqwacore but i cant knock someones interpretation of allahs deen
im not a scholar
and im tired of internet sheikhs
and im tired of people not giving me a straight answer
and the shaitains influence on the world
most of all im tired of myself
ever seen something so raw it hurts or it relates
im tired of people picking on girls who dont wear hijaab
lower your gaze pig
maybe in that time you werent looking she put it on
or maybe the wind blew it off
or maybe you should make 70 excuses
and if you can not there is something wrong with you

i just found out that i wont be receiving grades this semester
all that work for nothing
ive been removed from the rosters of my classes
because i cant pay my tuition
im not even going to my last final
its stupid
i tried
and failed
i got a job
didnt work
qadr allah
and thats only part of the story
youll never know the rest

and shell never know how much im actually in love with her

sultan said what if you became a muslim and your parents said you couldnt go to pitt
well that happened
that was real that actually happened
i was so depressed i left before speaking to anyone 
i cant seem to figure out
how that guy in the story did it
may allah be pleased with him
oh i have an idea
perhaps it was

by the morning and its brightness
wallayli itha saja
and the night when it covers with darkness

how do they do it
i owe a lot of people a lot of money
and when i see them i dont look them in the eye
i think they notice
i wish people would understand

make me from those who are few

if you dont know that dua omar raa heard while walking
thats a problem
i have a problem
wallahi i swear
the only way to fix it is
oh bilal
oh ayyub as
oh muhammad saws
oh yusuf as
oh maryam raa

how did you do it
i dont understand
writing makes things better
dua makes things great

i want to see my sister
and my best friend
i want my roomate to succeed
hes so miserable
its stupid
hes way better then what everyone else sees

i wish school didnt matter
and you could do whatever you wanted
and i wished school was free
free information
and i wish people chased dreams and not job security
and i wish people saw art in what i see art in
and i wish people wouldn't judge
and i wish people saw what really goes on in my head
but then they might be scared
they probally wouldnt talk to me
i just want to make movies
and i want people to pray for syria
its bad over there
and i wish people would be themselves

Nasir is leaving next semester
masha allah
but now who will i talk to
 i guess im just being selfish
he doesnt know how high i hold him
dont tell him
hes gonna do well i know

so if you see me smile at me
its charity